Here's to a new year. It's not a particularly nice one. In fact, it's quite stressful. I've been looking over my posts over the past year and few months, and several things appear to me: I've forgotten about a lot of this. I'm not referring to incidents which occured during the time period - I'm talking about those which I referred to in my posts. Though I guess that's not enough to distinguish what I mean? Perhaps a better way of stating it is: I've forgotten about things that I've written about that didn't happen near the time I was writing them. Still clumsy. Such is the life of a writer. Not that I am one. Just for now. And then I'll be a student, and then a zombie. And then I'll come home and sleep. I guess what I'm trying to say is that time has passed yet again, and the past has faded yet further and further from view. Now that I think about it, though, it's almost as if time is cyclical. This year is passing by in a similar fashion to the previous one. Though there is a difference. Circumstances are slightly better. I'm no longer the depressed, crying wreck that I was then. Not that I've improved by much. But of course, progress is progress. There isn't much point in me writing this, except as a reflection on how I've changed since last year. Is it a positive change, I ask myself. THe answer: quite overwhelmingly "yes." There's still quite a ways to go, but I can do it. Shit. Something smells like it's burning. It might be my laptop. It's been running nonstop for almost a month now. Let's ask mIRC. 5wks 13hrs 22mins. Ah well. Time to study for that calc test tomorrow.

Emotions are useless things.

Well, I was going to write a lengthy diatribe forsaking all emotion (again), but now that I think about it, my previous statement is not entirely accurate. All of those warm and fuzzy feelings like happiness and enthusiasm are nice productive things. I've learned more about certain things I enjoy without ever meaning to while not even trying. So I'll revise it.

Negative emotions are useless things.

I've been basking in apathy and depression for quite a while now. I've never been this useless. At this moment, roughly two hours have passed since I said, "I'll start working in 15 minutes." So much for that one. This is a daily event for me. I never get anything done anymore. To be honest, stopping to write this little reflection is actually increasing my productivity; these past few hours have been wasted being sad and discontent.

I could write about all of the other parts of the emotional spectrum, but honestly, that would be a waste of time. I'm just gonna suppress all those baddies, possibly at the cost of the nice ones, until I have time to feel again.

Here's to productivity.

Showers are good for introspection :o

I've been feeling like shit all summer long, and one shower later, BAM. I feel like I'm on top of the world. Nah, not really. But I feel happy.

So what happened in the shower? I was remembering the past. All of the moments that make me angry, embarrassed, and sad when I think of them. But this time, I didn't punch a wall. I didn't make a slashing motion (this is why I push all other thoughts from my head while I'm holding a knife), but I decided just to accept the past. It sounds so trite, doesn't it? Accept your past, be yourself, don't dwell, all that bullshit. But when it comes down to it, you can't change the past. But you can change the present.

I realized that in the overall scheme of things, I'm quite unimportant. Those moments in the past that I remember are quite insignificant to others. I have my past, they have theirs. Sure, sometimes they intersect, but for the most part, they're quite separate. What's significant to myself is probably quite different than what's significant to others. My most vivid memories are probably mere traces in the minds of others, while important events in their minds have probably faded in mine.

I realized that I shouldn't keep myself from doing what I needed to do for myself. This doesn't mean 'go ahead and do what you want, live for today, blah blah blah.' No, it's quite different. 'Do what you need to do today so that you can live to see tomorrow.' On the smallest level, it's basically the simple things in life, such as eating, showering, sleeping, and going to the bathroom. But it's not just what needs to be done, it's what needs not to be done. Stop others when they infringe upon your rights. Don't be a doormat. Tolerance is great, but when your tolerance makes you suffer, that's when it's time to stop and change the situation.

Here we are, several paragraphs later, my thoughts poorly written down on paper, my textual interpretation somewhat different from the thoughts running through my head, but it will do.

After my shower, I looked at myself in the mirror, examined my current condition, my feelings and thoughts, and my present situation, and thought of what I wanted to change. And I could not come up with anything major. There's really not much I have to hate about myself, if anything. And that made me happy, and it gave me motivation. w00t.

That's all.

I have nothing better to do. So I decided to give y'all some advice.

Here goes.

1. Don't shave your pubes. They'll grow back, itch, and be messier than they were before (and over a wider area too.)
2. Don't swallow cum. It tastes bad. Which brings me to my next point.
3. Don't taste shit. Don't drink piss either. Imagine, with billions of years of evolution in our bodies, we've evolved to the point where we can tolerate most things and even use them as nourishment. The stuff that comes out is the absolutely useless, harmful stuff. You're just putting it back in. Now that's not doing you any good. On a related note:
4. The anus was made for sending stuff OUT. Shoving stuff in there can lead to a sore ass, internal bleeding, and embarrassing emergency room visits.
5. Take showers. They make you smell spiffeh and make you feel replenished and awake.
6. Don't eat cold pasta. I mean, seriously, it's horrible. HORRIBLE.
7. Don't binge on food. The short-term food high is awesome, but the long-term stomach ache, throwing up, and weight gain more than kills the fun. On a related note:
8. Don't binge on alcohol. Same as above, plus an added hangover. Oh, joy.
9. Don't lead people on if you aren't interested. It might be hard, but seriously, don't do it. It'll save you a lot of time, effort, emotion, and suffering in the end.
10. Don't masturbate too much. You'll get a sore dick. Or pussy. But seriously, don't. This is like the food high. It's all fun and games until you get a bruised dick. The remedy:
11. Stand in the shower and just let the water hit your dick for a while until the bruising goes away. It's better than an icepack.
12. When people invite you places, go. This drastically decreases your chances of nobody knowing/caring when you die. Oh, it also decreases your chances for dying a lonely virgin. But nobody cares about that, right?
13. Don't lay on the hood of a car while it starts driving. At the first brake, you will slide off. At that point, you'll stumble forwards and the car will hit you from behind and shoot you forwards.
14. Don't stick a wire in your eye if the big kid on the playground tells you to. I mean, seriously.
15. Don't let yourself become nocturnal. It'll make your life shit, especially if there are people living with you.
16. Don't make sites specifically for Adsense. You'll spend hundreds of hours working on your site, and then over a few months get around thirty bucks, which isn't even enough for Adsense to send you a check. Fuck, go get your self a job. You'll get more money that way.
17. Remember to bring earplugs when you don't know what kind of music they'll be playing at a party. Preserve your hearing.
18. Useful street-fighting tip #21: play dirty. If you can clap your hands over your enemy's ears simultaneously, the air will rupture their eardrum and cause them to eventually die of internal bleeding. On a side note:
19. Don't practice this on your friends. I mean, seriously.
20. Be somebody or be somebody's bitch.

This has been a public service announcement. Go fuck yourself. Sparingly.

Oh.

Here's a bonus: Don't let a satiric online journal about others' shortcomings turn into a honest summary of your own pathetic life.

What happened to my determination? This summer was the summer that I was going to "do things properly." Yes. Study. Exercise. Go outside when there's light. Sleep enough. But no. Four days into summer vacation now. I think I've spent at least half of that time playing an online game. I didn't sleep at all last night. No, no, no, no sleep for wearly little Daniel, he has to raid to get sets for the crew!

This summer I was going to study. I was going to prepare for next year so I wouldn't have little incidents like I've had this year where I don't know anything and skip school to avoid tests and due dates. But no, no studying. I could bring myself to study. If I wanted to. Probably. But I probably don't want to. I figure studying's unnecessary though - if I pay attention in class next year, I should be fine. But there's still all the things that I missed this year. Most of all, in physics and calculus. The two classes I got B's in. NO, OH MY GOD, MY 4.0 IS RUINED, GASP. Only a little while ago I actually cared about this, as if it were going to make any difference. But really, it's not. In the long run, it won't make any difference at all whether I got an A or B for my final grades in some bullshit classes in my sophomore year of high school. Nu-uh.

This summer I was going to exercise. Yanno, get my fat ass in shape. Yeah, that hasn't happened. Although I've barely eaten anything in four days. That's not because I want to lose weight. I wouldn't deprive myself of the pleasure of eating food in order to lose weight. It's a combination of factors: 1) there's no food in the house 2) I'm never hungry 3) eating would involve leaving my preciouss (MY PRECIOUSSSS) laptop. I could handle that, actually.

This summer I was going to sleep. Yeah. That hasn't happened either. Last night, I got home a little after midnight and then played non-stop until today. Sometime in the afternoon, I dozed off at my laptop. I went downstairs and had three slices of pizza and came back up. The only food I've had today. But I'm still not hungry.

I don't even LIKE pizza. I don't even LIKE this game I'm playing. Oh well. I figure I'm just going to stop playing the game. Those people can go fuck themselves, I really don't care. So, it's 2:13 AM in the morning. I'll be up for a while, probably. :[

So I deleted my LiveJournal a few days ago. Just on a random impulse. And now I'm writing in it again. Oh well. All my summertime resolutions have gone to shit. I'll manage.

Things are looking up
Gods are looking down
Giving me hope, yup
Screwing me around

--

I write.
It is trite.
It is boring.
You are snoring.

This is me. This is me after sleeping a grand total of four hours in four days. My brain. It's fried. And I have finals the next three days. But I don't care. Finals crack corn but I don't care.

--

Finals are here.
Finals disappear.
Will soon be gone.
And life goes on.

--

I try to fight it, I just can't quit
I'm addicted, needs and wants conflicted
We just can't be split, me and my computer
Life is nice but my laptop is cuter

--

Why can't I be normal?

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. An unexpected savior.

I'm being ignored. I hate it. It's not that I'm an attention whore - I'm fine with people leaving me alone. But when I'm reaching out to people, multiple people, and everyone ignores me, it's just - I don't know. I don't know. Maybe they're busy. Maybe they don't want to talk to me. I don't know. I don't know.

Are we really not even friends anymore?

Some days I enjoy life.
Some days I hate life.
Some days life is a grind.
Some days I considering ending it.

Am I depressed? No.
Did something bad happen? No.
Nothing happened. Nothing happened.

Some days I think about how I'm doing to die.
Some days I imagine I'll be raided by the government.
Those days I picture myself taking down as many of them as I can with me.
An immature idea of heroism and "badassity."
It's ridiculous. I know.

Some days I imagine I'll kill myself.
Quickly and cleanly. None of that self-injury bullshit. The idea is death, not pain.
I don't care if I'll hurt you.
I'll have no use for you when I'm dead.
I won't apologize. I won't write a note.
So why am I writing this entry?
Shush. I'll get to it. This isn't a suicide note.

I never imagine myself dying of old age.
Would I grow old? Yes.
Do I want to grow old? No.
I don't want to grow old.
I'd rather die.

More and more years of boredom pile up upon each other.
Brief flashes of entertainment are rarely found, yet there.
Eternal boredom is a fate worse than death.

Death is a part of life.
Some people fear it.
Some people make futile attempts to avoid it.
Others live their time and accept it.
And yet it is not necessary. For me.

There are other ways to escape this unbearable boredom.
Throw it all away. In another sense of the phrase.
I hate my life.

Wake up.
Miss the bus.
To school.
Classes.
Go home.
Waste away.
Homework.
Waste away.
Sleep 3 hours.
Repeat.

So many advanced classes. Not a singular regular one.
I could drop all of them. But then it'd be worse.
Surrounded by idiots. Unable to have a discussion.
Bored to death. Boredom is death.

I could just run off. I've considered it.
Where would I go? I don't know.
I'd figure it out. Take it as it comes.
I've done it once. Came back several hours later.
If, next, time. I'm gone for good.

Some days I talk with people. People talk to me.
Some days I talk with people. People ignore me.
Some days I sit at home, alone, content.

I'd rather be with people than alone.
But I'd rather be alone than lonely.

Some days I think: "This might actually work out!"
Some days I think: "Why did I ever agree to this?"
Some days I think the second, becomes the first.
Most firsts I think become the second.

Some days I just want to destroy everything around me.
Some days I appreciate nature and beautiful things.
Some days I look around my room. Full of rage.
Disorder, broken, cracked, shattered, spilled.
And I look out the window. And see nothing.
BECAUSE ITS FUCKING DARK OUT AND ITS 2:27 AM AND I'M NOT FUCKING SLEEPING RIGHT NOW.

Most days I sit on the bed, hugging my pillow.
Most days I sit on the bed, fighting boredom.
Some days I lay on the bed, sleeping.
Some nights I sit on the bed.
BITCHING ABOUT MY LIFE ON LIVEJOURNAL.

Weekends are the good days. I'm alone. Nobody to bother me.
Weekdays are the best days. The worst days. Make or break me.
Weekends are safe. Weekends are nice and warm and fuzzy.
Weekdays are dangerous. Pluck the candy from the bear trap.

Some days I'm happy.
Some days I'm not.
Some days I scratch my head. It's itching. So's my back.
Some days I go off topic. Not making sense. Elephant check. Bitch.

Some days I think about the future.
The few people I can talk with. They'll disappear.
I lost one last year. I'm losing one this year. Two this year.
Many next year. And me after that.

Why am I writing this? To kill boredom. To think to myself a little. To do something.
What did I intend to write about? Life, death, and in between.
What did I end up writing about? Fuck it, I don't know. Was it my intention? Probably not.
I'm going to sleep. I'll look at this tomorrow and see what I can make of it.

I need to kill the boredom before the boredom kills me.

Another day, and the problems of yesterday seem minor in hindsight. They're still there, I'm not ignoring them. It's still a challenge and I'm still working through the confusion, but I'm sure I'll get through it eventually. I had a good day today, just relaxed, laughed, and enjoyed myself. Every day should be like this.

I wonder how it feels on the other side, being so sure in yourself and waiting for someone else to figure it out. Hopefully, it's the same; hopefully, there are still good days. After all, there's more to life than this.

I go in, and the tears begin to form. I walk, trying to get there before I break down. On the way I see you, and you, and you, and you, talking, being happy, enjoying yourselves, enjoying life. I do my best to fight my sadness, ignoring you. I take a turn down a narrow corridor. And now I'm free. I don't have to see you anymore. But then I see you coming around the corner, and suddenly I wish that you were here to hide yourself within yourself, a tree among the forest. I go towards the side, avoiding you, and you go to the other. You lower your head as you pass me. I hold mine up high, stand tall and walk proudly, like I'm all that. But I know I'm not. And I think you do too. You've seen my weakness, haven't you? I'm breaking up inside. Suddenly I turn to the left and open the door. On the other side, I let out a breath. I've reached my sanctum.

I am happy. I talk to you, enjoying every minute of it. But I know I can't stay here much longer. I have to go. I leave, but this is only a short journey. It's nothing to get upset about. And then I see you again, and I'm talking to you. But lately you've been acting weird around me. Don't you want to be my friend anymore? Were we ever friends? I leave. I go through the wall this time. A painfully long walk. But it doesn't get much better. I'm surrounded by you. I hate you. You're so stupid. And I'm gone again. Flip a coin. It doesn't matter.

Heads or tails, it's all the same. I'm weary. I'm hungry. I just want to be left alone now. But you won't let me have that. I want to leave, to get rid of you. I run off, and then I'm back again. But it's better now. I'm better now. And off I go. And then I see you, an anchor in this world, but you're slipping too. I can tell. Goodbye. Hello. This used to be something to look forward to. But you're not here anymore. I let them cart me off. And I'm back. I haven't gone anywhere. I've gone nowhere. Displacement zero. Will you leave me alone? You make me so angry. My head's hurting and I don't want to see you. Just go away. I lose consciousness and I don't want to wake up again. But I do. You're weak. You're nothing. But don't let them know what. They'll eat you alive.

I walk endlessly but get nowhere
North, south, east, west lies despair

I was so happy but now I'm just broken, empty, and tired.

I'm going to sleep.

Yesterday, I was at peace, feeling fairly confident about my three upcoming APs. But suddenly, another deadline appeared to stress me - the day of the robotics competition. We have two days left to finish the programming - and it doesn't look like we're going to make it. But from what I hear, we're doing better than last year. But that doesn't stop me from stressing about it.

I can't wait until it's all over. After the fact, it won't matter much to me how successful we were, or even if we finished the robot, but that doesn't mean I won't do my best to finish it while we still have time. Yesterday, I came home at eight after programming for several hours after school, and I went to sleep at 4 in the morning.

Teachers don't seem to understand: AP exams are coming. This is not a trivial matter. This is a pretty big thing. Yet they still give out homework. WHY? Please, just spare us until they're over. But noooo, add another stressor.

And I can't wait for this whole thing to be over - this is really killing my journal. I'd rather write about something semi-interesting again, rather than the same old rant about exams. But it can't be helped. This is the way it's going to be, until it's all over. There's nothing I can do to make time go by faster.

There's no real meaning to this post. It's just another late night for me. It's 3:50, and I haven't slept all night. Today is Monday. Yesterday was Saturday. And the day before was - no, wait. Yesterday was Sunday. The day before was Saturday.

I should probably start at the beginning of this mess. On Saturday, I decided that I was going to study for APs and leave my homework for Sunday. I thought I was soooooooooo smart. And then Sunday, I get woken up again by the robotics peeps at 12:44, and I go there for the rest of the day. I come home, try to do some work, but end up slacking. Over the course of the night (day) I've managed to get some work done. Now I have to do some brochure due in several hours which I was supposed to do in a period of 2 weeks. Oh, joy.

Here we go again.

So, yesterday, when I woke up, I had the feeling that the day was going to suck. And it did, but not in the way I expected to. I went to sleep 4:40 that day, after setting my alarm clock to ring at 6:00. Somehow, I managed to wake up by myself at 6:27 (my alarm clock, somewhat predictably, broke). I felt like shit. All of my resolve from a few hours back was gone. I took two showers because I felt especially dirty. I didn't have time to shave and I missed the bus, but I barely managed to get to school on time.

First two periods - and the only ones for me that day - were Computer Science and Calculus. They went by pretty easily, with minimal effort from me. Then we --

Oh, crap. I just cut myself between my fingers with my other hand somehow. So now, instead of informing the audience about my rollercoasting experience, I'm here bitching about my hand. I'm licking the blood away. Saliva helps wounds close. That, and I like the taste. Anyway.

-- went to the cafeteria to assemble in our groups. I couldn't find my group mates, so I just sat at one of the tables looking sad. Finally, it was time to leave, and I got on the bus and met with mah groupz. The ride there was fun yet uneventful.

We pulled up to a park about seven or eight
And I yelled to the driver "yo, home smell you later"
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the prince of Six Flags.

We went on the first roller coaster twice. My spine hurt - I felt like I was getting compressed down into my seat. After that, we went on some flying circular boat ride. I was counting the number of revolutions we made while staring blankly. I split from my group with another guy to ride a green looping roller coaster - on the way there, we saw this one where you're strapped into a harness supported by a high bridge, lifted several hundred meters into the air, and let go to freefall then swing until you stop. The guy wanted to do this. I wouldn't do it. It cost $20 bucks a go anyway.

After that, we met with the group for food (at absurd prices), got some work done, then we moved to another place to... get more work done. The packet supplied by the physics teacher contributed to making our day miserable. The dirty bathroom made mine particularly reasonable. There was mud - I hope it was mud - all over the floor.

INB4 NOT MUD.

It was about time to leave, but we went on one more ride. It went about 60mph, no loops, no sharp turns. It was actually boring compared to the others. I've built enough of a tolerance to roller coasters to be able to go on most rides. The one ride I didn't want to go (aside from the previously mentioned one) was the so-called Tower of Doom. We (probably erroneously) calculated its height at 18 meters. By my optical measuring, it was closer to 40m. You're basically lifted slowly to the top and then dropped in free-fall, then slowed before you hit. I don't have a problem with the dropping. It's the rising that I don't like - it's very slow (we measured it at around 15 seconds.)

So then we left the park, messed around with some hackysacks, then got on the bus. I slept most of the way back. Woke up just before we got there, got off, and went home.

The rides were actually quite fun. I didn't scream at all or throw my hands in the air, but I think that detracted from my enjoyment. On the other hand, the high prices, low food quality, lack of free water, dirty bathrooms, and miserable conditions made it unbearable. Also, the heat. But that's uncontrollable and didn't make much difference to me anyway. I'm thinking of starting my own roller coaster park just to put Six Flags out of business.

Having arrived at home, I went to sleep, having lost my roller coaster virginity.

The next day (today), I woke up around noon, slacked a little (a LOT), and for the first time, made a sincere effort to study for AP tests and actually improved and learned some stuff. The diagnostic for the calculus AP puts me at a 4. I'm doing some more studying for both calculus and government now. The diagnostic for government puts me at 5, but I think that's just from me knowing the answers from previous tests. I got a 4 the first time. Again, the Comp. Sci. AP is an easy 5, and physics is doomed. I'm probably going to either 1) Not take that AP 2) Take it and cancel my score 3) Break down and panic and cry as the date approaches. I'm probably going to get a 3 without knowing the new material. I'll try to do some reviewing as well.

Actual homework seems mundane now, and pointless, now that my final grades are mostly set in stone. But still, it's good practice, and I should probably do that. It's time to get back to work now, or maybe some light slacking with a side of work. Despite the conditions at the park, I still had fun, and that's great. It's time to go now. Bye bye.

I'm useless, but I don't mind; that's just how I am. I'm intelligent, but fail almost instantly when reaching the realm of practicality. I can't build anything. I just destroy. Without trying, actually. I guess that's my innate talent.

Just yesterday, I was burning the night away when I realized that a lamp I knocked over was burning a hole in my carpet. Of course, I pulled it out. Today, I was taking a shower in the bathtub, when I slipped. Naturally, I grabbed on to the first thing in sight. Good ol' survival instinct. Me being me, I ended up pulling it out of the wall. It was the soap-holder-thingy which probably has a name, but I doubt I've ever known it.

I don't mind being useless. I'll still help people with trivial things and maybe some important ones, but I won't live just to help them. I'll just end up destroying something by accident. My new power cord just came in (I just recently broke the last two [or maybe it's the manufacturer
's fault {in one, the wires were frayed, and the computer was getting the wrong voltage; in the other, the metallic part which went into the port broke from the connector}]).

Oh man, if that last sentence was a mathematical equation, my calculus teacher would be celebrating about getting to use all three types of grouping devices (or whatever they're called.) After that, he'd be complaining that he didn't want it in the first place, because he can't draw braces. And after that, he'd tell us a story, taking up a good portion of the class tinme. I managed to get him to do a demonstration he'd already done before just by measuring a mobius strip. Anyway, he's a pretty awesome teacher. Even though I have a B. Grr.

A big week coming up. AP tests, robotics meetings, physics field trips to Six Flags [remind me to talk about rollercoasters later]. Tonight, I planned on practicing for my AP tests. Calculus AB, Comp. Sci A, Government, and Physics. I have no worries about the Comp. Sci one. Government, I'll probably end up getting a 4 without studying. I really should study my court cases for that one so I can get a 5. For calculus, we've been practicing in class. I don't feel any smarter. I'm expecting to get a 3 on that, though I'll probably get a 4. I'm gonna take a proper diagnostic later so I can see where I stand.

And physics. Oh man, physics. I went to a few review sessions then quit. That AP wasn't even mandatory. Overachieving me decided that he should just take it. I'm regretting that. Greatly. I'd back out, but I'll end up losing the majority of the money for that AP. It's not even my money. But still, destructive me would like to try to prevent any losses whenever he can. I don't know anything. I have a B in the class. I'm pretty confident in what we covered in class, but clueless on the additional portion. I'll end up getting a 2 at the lowest, though I'm expecting a 2. It'll take a lot of work to get anywhere with physics.

And speaking of physics, the field trip is coming up tomorrow. I've never been on a proper rollercoaster before because of my fear of heights. I'm afraid of heights, I'm afraid of dogs. Or maybe afraid isn't the right word. I avoid heights and dogs for practical reasons. Dogs have teeth, and a nasty prevalence, compared to most other common animals, to bite. And they have pretty sharp teeth. I'm not going to go anywhere near a dog which is barking at me, unless it's
a) tied to something b) a puny dog c) a hot dog. But hot dogs don't bark. I just made no sense. Get used to it.

And heights. I avoid heights for practical reasons as well. I don't like tall places all that much. I'm up high, looking down, and I get these thoughts: "What if I jump? I bet I could survive. I can't see how all those people die from falling." And it's true. How can you not survive a fall from the second story? You'd have to be either a baby or crippled. Or a crippled baby. Or you could just not try to survive, or try not to survive, or just fail at surviving.

I remember looking down from an open seventh story building a few years ago. That's pretty high up. That's one I think I could survive, but with several broken bones. I don't think anyone could manage that one, even with increasing air resistance (save a parachute) and directing towards a soft place. Sometimes, I indulge myselves and just look out from high places. The Old Post Office, in DC, for example. I take the glass elevator. Sometimes I look back towards the door, and other times I go to the far edge viewing over the pavillion, and just look down at the people while I go to the top. It doesn't make much difference; the metal door of the elevator reflects.

I remember being in New York, going to the top of some generic tall tower. I forget the name. "I forget the name." I could say that in terms which would exempt me from name. "The name slips my mind." There. No. It's not my fault. "Who, me? Have a bad memory? No, it's just that damned name that doesn't want to be in my head," Anyway. Anyways? Anyway? I'm not sure which is correct. Anyway: I went to the topmost level, and just looked out over the city. It was a pretty awesome view. It was at night: cars were moving around, you could see lights glimmering in the background; a distant tower in the distance with some logo in red lights of it (its name also slips my mind), and most of all, the clouds. You could actually see the moon. It was about full, and it was shining; the light gray clouds were moving around, and the wind was blowing lightly. It wasn't a dark night. It was the kind of night where you got the feeling that somehow, somewhere, something special was happening.

But enough about that. It's time to talk about rollercoasters. I'm not going to back down. The chance of something bad happening are minimal. I'll go any ride. Whether it be scary, tall, or just your ordinary backyard rollercoaster. I'd actually like a day where I'd be able to try some new things, but we'll probably end up going on two rides and then analyzing the physical aspects of the rollercoasters. Oh well. But even so, if something bad were to happen, that survival instinct of mine would kick in: I'd grab on to the first available thing. And then, probably, I'd feel the effects of the economy. Whatever I ended up hanging onto would end up breaking off of the main structure, and I would fall to the ground. That'd be interesting. It's not a game I'd play willingly, but it's one I'd be interested in playing just to the see the outcome. Will I survive? Will I die? Or maybe another question. Will my resolve wear off before tomorrow? It's almost tomorrow. (Bursts in to the Tomorrow song. Alright, enough). If I can't do it by desiring alone, I'll actually use my willpower.

My willpower usually fails. But I'm sure because I don't really want it to succeed most of the time. Stop playing the game? No. I don't want to. But I'll make a token effort. I'll use my willpower to make my willpower not fail, and channel the property of not failing to my resolve. Mhmm. Yeah. Go me.

Robotics. That's something that'll be pretty big. I'll have to put in work on my part (the program), but it'll be something that worries me, causes me to loose sleep, put in a massive amount of effort at the last minute, then turn out alright. That tends to happen to me a lot. Either that, or it will fail, but either way, after a short while, it wouldn't have made much impact anyway. Yes, it does tend to happen a lot. Mostly on physics projects. They all seem to cause me to loose sleep. Probably because all of them so far have involved practical applications, like a projectile launcher, a car, etc. I'm an impractical guy. But I told you that already. The project this quarter is just a presentation of a physics topic. My partner and I are doing lenses. It's all going to run out okay.

Now, I can hardly remember what I started this entry about. Excuse me for a moment while I scroll up. Ah, okay. I'll elaborate some more on AP tests, then get back to talking about myself. You, me, are such a narcissist. Or is it: "Me, you, I'm such a narcissist." Whatever, whichever. AP tests are coming up. This is another one of those slack->panic->massive_effort->fail->doesn't_matter_anyway type of deal. I can re-take them next year. Or withhold them, if it's seriously bad. I hope I can withhold them, anyway. Anyways.

I feel like I've been changing recently. No, it's not that "My voice is getting deeper and I'm growing hair down there, I'm scared" type of bullshit. On the other hand, my voice has been deeper lately. Due to my cold. Which is much better. I haven't thrown up, my hacking fits are greatly reduced, and I've been coughing less. My nose is still runny occasionally. That annoys me most of all, probably. Especially when I'm in class. I've been going to the bathroom more and more just to blow my nose.

But back to the changes. My accidentally-destructive side has been acting up. My grades have been improving, now that they don't matter anymore. I've stopped caring if people talk to me or not (but of course, I still greatly appreciate it when they do). I've stopped looking to help people, but I still do if they ask me (and it won't require earth-shattering amounts of effort) or if they look like they need it. I've stopped caring about school in general. The only subject I really care about anymore is English, because it's the only one I can improve. I just need an A this quarter. And the AP tests, of course. My taste in music has also changed, from teh metallish-to the dancey muzaks.

I'm remembering an entry I wrote a little while back, when I was particularly sad. I can only vaguely remember the specific points I made, but I can remember the theme and the tone. I wrote it (first sloppily, then re-wrote neatly.) There are no numbers on the cards, and I wrote on both sides. It's a literal jigsaw of sorts.

I was going to put it on my journal the following morning, then I decided not to, for some reason. If anyone ever wants to read it (and they raid my room), it's in the top-most drawer on the right in my desk. I might re-read it earlier; I was actually crying when I was writing it so I'm curious as to what it was.

Today has become tomorrow, exactly 13 minutes ago, and tomorrow is now only 3546 minutes away. I'm going to browse the web, read a little, and maybe review a little bit for the rest of the night. And at some point, I'm going to go to sleep. Even if it's only an hour before school, because even if I'm totally wiped out, I still feel a little satisfaction and energy when I wake up. Good night, Livejournal. Good morning, Livejournal. And hello and goodbye to whoever is reading this. I wish you the best.

Oh, and here, have some more biorhythm images.


Apparently, I'm particularly intellectual today.